the paper filter

residue of my consciousness

Category: uncategorized

Haiku 35 – Kismet

Remembering things
I thought I’d forgot but then
learning something new.


The truth is…

The truth is that you will forget.
You will forget the smell of him,
You will forget the feel of his touch,
And the softness of his kiss.
You will forget the blazing looks he gave you
that held all the secrets and all the passion
that was shared between you.
And when you forget,
all that you can remember is what isn’t there anymore.
You will try to remember and remind yourself,
but without any physical manifestations,
how can your body remember enough to remind your mind?


the silence was comfortable as they sat on the rooftops,
watching the hustle and bustle of people down on the streets below.
the busy sounds of the city couldn’t reach them from up there,
where they were perched at the edge of the building
with their hands were wrestled in a knot, warm and comforting.

he filled the silence here and there with bits of conversation; inside jokes and other folks.
she laughed along, listened and chipped in with a natural flow.

what felt like minutes were hours. it was time to leave.

he loosened his grip to stand and dust his pants, avoiding her gaze as she stood too.

she held out her hand, palm up, locking her eyes with his and gave him a melancholic smile.
his eyes hardened as he bit his inner lip and slipped his hand into her outstretched one, sneaking a glimpse at his watch as he did.

he pulled her close and held her tightly.
she rested her ear against his chest, listening to the slow thuds of his heart.
she breathed deeply, inhaling all of him and holding it in.

“dance with me for a bit, before you go?”
she started swaying gently in his arms, silencing his protests with a kiss.
he melts into it, and gives in, falling into step with her movements.

the kiss breaks. he sighs, burrying his nose into her hair, cradling her head against his chest.

they dance for that moment, the city lights softly illuminating their silhouettes in the dimness.
his heavy arms secured her,
her heavy heart pounded desperately.
he planted last kisses everywhere on her face and took a step back to look into her eyes.
never will the flowers bloom, never will i follow you.

“i love you..”
his heavy footsteps descended the ladder off the side.
her hands shook. she fought to reach out to him, and watched him go out of sight.

“i love you too.”

tonight you’ll be saved.
we can dance in ruins.
if you can’t remember,
it’ll be like last november.
i can’t reach you from afar.
building lights will shine on me,
just like shooting stars.


the only thing i can hear
is the pounding of my heart in my ears
in this fucking silence in my head.
each thud is like a protest in my chest
like the hands of my true self
slamming over and over against the bars of this cage that is my heart.

I scream.

but nobody can hear me.

something’s has taken over my body.
another being?
am i possessed?
a yeerk maybe?

I’m crying in my cell. let me out of this hell.
Let me be.
leave me to my dreams.
let me out of this cage.
give me back my body.
give me back my thoughts.
give me back my self.

how can i help myself when i don’t have the key?
why should i help myself if there’s nothing worth getting out for?
maybe i should submit to it and leave my inner self to disappear…

he’s left me twice.
and he’s leaving for good soon.
might as well submit.
just give up, deej.
just give it up.

there are more important things than myself.