the paper filter

residue of my consciousness

Month: April, 2010

He’ll close his eyes and pretend it’s me.

we’re not over, we’ll never be over.
I’ll always be on his mind
even if it’s you he’s kissing
even if it’s you he’s fucking.
even if he’s married someday,
and it’s not to me.
he’ll close his eyes and pretend that it’s me.
I’ll still be there locked away in his heart and in his head.
and he’ll always be there in mine.
I don’t expect anyone to understand.

sure it’s not okay,
but I understand. and I know why he did it.
I know why he lies. and I know when he lies.
I know him inside out and
he’s never been able to hide anything from me.
I know his weaknesses.
I understand why he slept with you and them.
I mean, I’m not one to talk. I’ve hurt him too.
we’re not perfect.

but despite all the shit that’s happened
and all the shit we’ve been through
he still loves me above all else.
and I love him above all else.
and maybe we’re both being delusional,
but in the end
we may be with numerous blank faces,
but we plaster each others’ on them
because there’s no one else we want to be with more.

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fallen soldier

the unravelling of my mind is uncontrollable
at the seemingly endless stream of thoughts.
three cigarettes later and the shaking quells.
light-headed and heavy hearted,
the contradictory physical implications to my body
creates a registration in my neurological system to be un-feeling.
and in that few moments of mental vulnerability,
my inner self speaks freely after months
of being caged and keeping her silence to pacify my desires.
“this must no longer resume.
I’ve let you wallow for far too long.
you must face this long-put-off reality
and give me a chance to live.
I am you and I want to live.
Let me take over and
I will allow you your moments to yourself.”
I sigh, defeated, tired and broken.
I lay down my struggling arms.
okay.