by deej

dear boy,
how are you?
i have not thought about you much, but you tend to cross my mind once in a while, and when you do it always begs such deep questions that i have no immediate urge to answer.
even though we’ve all accepted that it’s happened, it would be nice to understand.

i’ve always had this theory that as much as we know someone and know them enough to assume the choices the might make, we can never be certain.
this is because we are not them, nor will we ever be. we may not see every circumstance that brings them to that exact instant, and anything could affect the choices we make.

it is not our place to demand to know why, because frankly speaking, it’s none of our business.
such is life… we must all know our roles and our places.

i always wonder if this was what you wanted in the end.
i always wonder if it was an insatiable curiousity to know how death feels like.

the ripple effect of your death has touched my life and affected so much of it, even if i didn’t know you all that well. you were always just my sister’s boyfriend, nothing more.

in your death,
i feel guilt, for not knowing you better; for my lover being alive and here for me whereas my sister is left to fix and fend for herself.
your death made me treasure my life and the lives of those i love.
the trivial things do not matter anymore.
i stopped caring about school, i almost failed that semester.
not that i couldn’t cope, it just became mundane and completely, unimportant.

i remember so afraid of being alone, and abandoned like sarah.
i was desperate to hold on to my sayang, Nick.
because of you, i treasure him more than i ever thought i would.

thanks, Arul.

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