the paper filter

residue of my consciousness

Month: March, 2010

pillow

Oh gentle lover,
desired, cherished, lover,
i lose myself in thoughts of your close embrace,
warm touches,
olive skin and lips upon my own.

every night i lay,
dreadfully awake behind closed eyes,
i hear only my heart,
heavy and without breath.

i pull my covers closer,
compensation for the lack of you.
in my sleepless delirium i feel you here with me.
but just as i slip into dreams,
my last thoughts are that you are nowhere near.

goodnight,
goodnight.

Closer

my head is the only place where i can be with you…
right now anyway.

i can imagine tucking my head in between your neck and shoulder with my nose pressed against your skin.
i can remember your smell… sweet, musky and a little dirty. i love it. that smells like home to me.
i remember how your chest felt beneath my hands and how i loved scratching your beard and nudging your chin to face me so i could kiss you.

oh how i love kissing you… how your lips so softly graze mine, such a simple kiss that’s filled with so much passion… it would get so intense, the way you used to pull me closer and hold me to you, pressing and urgent. i would pull your face closer still and kiss you harder, hook my leg around yours, press myself closer to you.

just because i want to be with you, so much closer, so much closer than a kiss.
months and days later… i still feel the same way… if anything, the physical time apart has left me yearning for you so much more.
i’m yours.
i’m yours.

dear boy,
how are you?
i have not thought about you much, but you tend to cross my mind once in a while, and when you do it always begs such deep questions that i have no immediate urge to answer.
even though we’ve all accepted that it’s happened, it would be nice to understand.

i’ve always had this theory that as much as we know someone and know them enough to assume the choices the might make, we can never be certain.
this is because we are not them, nor will we ever be. we may not see every circumstance that brings them to that exact instant, and anything could affect the choices we make.

it is not our place to demand to know why, because frankly speaking, it’s none of our business.
such is life… we must all know our roles and our places.

i always wonder if this was what you wanted in the end.
i always wonder if it was an insatiable curiousity to know how death feels like.

the ripple effect of your death has touched my life and affected so much of it, even if i didn’t know you all that well. you were always just my sister’s boyfriend, nothing more.

in your death,
i feel guilt, for not knowing you better; for my lover being alive and here for me whereas my sister is left to fix and fend for herself.
your death made me treasure my life and the lives of those i love.
the trivial things do not matter anymore.
i stopped caring about school, i almost failed that semester.
not that i couldn’t cope, it just became mundane and completely, unimportant.

i remember so afraid of being alone, and abandoned like sarah.
i was desperate to hold on to my sayang, Nick.
because of you, i treasure him more than i ever thought i would.

thanks, Arul.