the paper filter

residue of my consciousness

Month: June, 2009

Jamaica Farewell

the sunlight creeps up the walls and climbs back down before eventually disintegrating into shadows as the day bleeds into night and i struggle to find something else, anything else, to fill the thoughts that haunt me and keep me awake.

the ache in my heart has worn out to a dull gnawing throb beneath my breasts.
it hasn’t subsided a bit since you’ve been gone, my body has adjusted itself to harness the complete and utter loneliness and misery that my heart feels.
heavy, and completely terrible for my posture.
i feel numbed. my eyes won’t cry despite the breathlessness of my lungs.

my face will not smile anymore.
instead, when i look in the mirror, i see the lines of my face stone cast, not lifting. my cheeks feel heavy. my lips feel heavy. smiling is such a hard feat.

and so i sit bracing the morning sun
as the sky lights up in orange and pink
till the sunshine hurts my eyes.
waiting is all i have left to do.
but i don’t know if that’s what i should do



the silence was comfortable as they sat on the rooftops,
watching the hustle and bustle of people down on the streets below.
the busy sounds of the city couldn’t reach them from up there,
where they were perched at the edge of the building
with their hands were wrestled in a knot, warm and comforting.

he filled the silence here and there with bits of conversation; inside jokes and other folks.
she laughed along, listened and chipped in with a natural flow.

what felt like minutes were hours. it was time to leave.

he loosened his grip to stand and dust his pants, avoiding her gaze as she stood too.

she held out her hand, palm up, locking her eyes with his and gave him a melancholic smile.
his eyes hardened as he bit his inner lip and slipped his hand into her outstretched one, sneaking a glimpse at his watch as he did.

he pulled her close and held her tightly.
she rested her ear against his chest, listening to the slow thuds of his heart.
she breathed deeply, inhaling all of him and holding it in.

“dance with me for a bit, before you go?”
she started swaying gently in his arms, silencing his protests with a kiss.
he melts into it, and gives in, falling into step with her movements.

the kiss breaks. he sighs, burrying his nose into her hair, cradling her head against his chest.

they dance for that moment, the city lights softly illuminating their silhouettes in the dimness.
his heavy arms secured her,
her heavy heart pounded desperately.
he planted last kisses everywhere on her face and took a step back to look into her eyes.
never will the flowers bloom, never will i follow you.

“i love you..”
his heavy footsteps descended the ladder off the side.
her hands shook. she fought to reach out to him, and watched him go out of sight.

“i love you too.”

tonight you’ll be saved.
we can dance in ruins.
if you can’t remember,
it’ll be like last november.
i can’t reach you from afar.
building lights will shine on me,
just like shooting stars.