i think God can explain

by deej

a joke.
a fucking joke.
that’s all this mother fucking was.

she toweled her hair haphazardly.
her gums were sore from brushing her teeth so hard.

yeah well, i was lost in my stupid thoughts.
so fucking clever of me to go running in the rain because i can’t contain my bloody emotions.
i wouldn’t have had to shower if i didn’t go traipsing in the fucking rain.
and i wouldn’t have had to brush my teeth yet.

she ran her tongue along and back the back of her teeth

at least they feel really clean.

she sighed, and plunged headfirst into her bed.
amazed at what a shower could do.
she did not feel the slightest urge to talk to him.
she sighed again as her thoughts started to wander to the prior events of the day.

it was day that started no different than any other.
she went to school and sat in class, albeit absentmindedly.
it was just another day, the same as any other.
well, maybe except that my sister is probably at home writing another letter to her dead boyfriend.
in her head she saw her sister hunched over the table, writing furiously, on a balcony overlooking the streets below, a lit cigarette in her free hand.
her heart stopped every so often when her sister came to mind.

got to push on.

but then it all went horribly wrong.
all because of a phone call.

she was asking too much of him.
she didn’t realise it.
but she couldn’t not understand something.
she was there for him at his lowest.
she needed him now.
maybe that was too much.
was it too selfish of her to ask for a bit more?
she couldn’t do this alone.

because she couldn’t be alone.
but she didn’t want to be around people either.

she hadn’t known what to do.
she had sat where she sat
and did not move an inch
even though it had started to rain.
she had just wanted to stop time.
she imagined that the droplets of water, were hovering in midair
and the splatters in the middle of their explosions of those that hit the floor.


the rain had carried on about her
and washed away the tears on her face.
and she had sat there until she felt better,
not thinking of anything in particular
with her mind finally blank.

so here she was hours later
face-down in bed, her head tilted to the side.
she caught herself staring absently at the phone
and felt a pull in her belly.


she closed her eyes, biting her lip, holding back a sob.
her throat choked up and her eyes fluttered open again
and she laid there watching her phone.